I am in a new season of life....
A really, really good season of life.
One that I prepared for and did some really hard heart work for.
For YEARS ..
And what has befuddled me to no end in this past year, is I feel like I am just not getting it .. like transitioning well .. I am making myself crazy .. and the others around me just a bit nuts too on certain days. And how could that be?
I finally had an ephiphany.
You know what those are - you are driving down the road and BAM! (no, not a wreck) .. you suddenly feel the light come on.
My light came on.
I had been praying hard to God. For months.
Please don't let me fail.
Please don't let me undo all the good that has come my way.
Please help me.
I've talked alot about the program that I attended and later became certified in because it was a total gamechanger for me ..
I had just went thru a crushing tsunami. I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my marriage failed .. and then I lost my one safety net - my mom. All in a year.
I knew I needed to shift my perspective.
I was now a single mom. A role I did not want to be in. . but I had these three girls and it was on me to rise (like my mom had) and be the best version of myself..for them. What an undertaking.
But I wanted this. I needed this. And I also began to lean on God more than I ever had in my life - -
My labels up to this point was wife, mother, sales executive, girl scout leader, school volunteer, the ultimate "yes" girl.
My boundaries SUCKED. I can say that with truth wrapped around it all day long. I did not even understand the concept. . but I was about to find out.
In the middle of the night I was reading a blog of a creative who I admired - Melody Ross. She had been holding these art retreats (yeah right, later to find out there was so much more) and there was one to be in May 2013. On a whim I filled out the form, sent the money and waited. I just wanted to be in a beautiful place .. rest .. be taken care of .. rest some more. . and then head home refreshed. . but I felt my body just needed to shut down, rest, clear the noises and reset.
I boarded the flight to Idaho. Panic set in mid air - 'what was I doing? have I lost my ever living mind?' It was too late to turn back - I was going. . and my stomach was twisted.
I boarded a bus .. and headed to the ranch ..
It was the most magical place on earth .. I learned VOLUMES .. and my life was forever changed when I went home and did the hard heart work that my new life was going to require. My faith was going to need an overhaul too. Priorities needed to shift .. I did it .. whatever was needed to make the necessary changes -
I will do another post/s about ALL that I learned . . but to move towards the revealation I just realized this week, I will skip along to present.
My heart had been redeemed. First by God. Then by another man who I had no idea would be my now husband. Our bond is so incredibly special and sacred - we both held in alot of hurt on very different levels .. and walked thru some very hard things seperately. To me, he was the very person that someone who once walked up to me in church (who I did not know) spoke of - he walked up, whispered in my ear and spoke the words 'God will restore what the locusts have eaten.' I was taken aback, shocked and felt my eyes well up with tears .. then that man walked away leaving me with a memory I would not shake - He was that person. The one I began to trust my life with. . and the answer to many prayers. A great love .. and example of the goodness God holds for us.
After years of dating .. YEARS of me doing soul work and absorbing everything I could .. and of course him asking me to marry him - the answer was YeS .. and that YES meant total upheaval . . and I was ready!
(my one safe soul)
(my new family - blending and learning and heart expanding)
Leaving a life I had worked hard on as a single parent, homeowner and keeper of our routine. We signed on for a more rural environment.
(the home that built us)
(the feeling of overwhelmness at the thought of we'll never get it all there)
I was more than ready.
I was armored up with my faith.
I was healed within my heart because I did do the work so many avoid.
I was grateful and eager to serve and to thrive.
I was going to ace this path.
I can say this without a blink - I have fully eaten a whole humble pie.
And God taught me so many valueable things that were not fun to learn. . but necessary in this past year.
And one of those would be I owned a HEALED HEART with EGO thinking I had everything to ace this walk.
How I came to this ephiphany was a bit comical.
I was driving down the road .. listening to a Zac Brown song .
"Someone I used to know"
My A-Ha moment came with these words strung together in the song . . .
"when you keep on losing with the path you're choosing and it is time to let go ..
of someone you used to know."
The song's theme is of moving on from the person you used to be in favor of becoming the person that you are or want to become.
and it flooded within . .
I am and always will be a work in progress.
Just because I've banked a thousand plus hours in therapy, curriculum and journaling, creating tools and boundaries etc .. doesn't mean I'm done. I will never be done. I will never be finished learning. . and it can ALL switch up in a blink (and has) ..
THAT is what has thrown me off ..
The tools in my tool box served me WELL.
Like really well.
However they were for the single mom who had to fly solo at a moment's notice - who had to learn to build walls and stand on my own with big, hard and messy decisions.
The tools I carried with me to get to where I find myself - no longer serve this season.
I am now a wife.
I am now a step mom.
I have other people to lean on .. and to learn from.
I have to clear plans, purchases and dreams with my husband -
There is so much more in my view than just surviving.
And I'm new to all of it.
Just because I was once married does not mean I understand this special God-gifted gig.
If anything I am more of a seeker of how to do it well - really well - to where it is deserving of my husband but more so pleases God in my faith.
And now I can breathe.
I am learning all new things.
I'm a student again ..
and it kind of lets me off the hook for the guilt and weight of not feeling like I am fully equipped.
Does it mean I completely ditch those old rusty tools that were so faithful and helped me thru the years?
I will reference those tools when helping others or if there is ever a circumstance where they are needed in the years ahead .. they will be kept.
But I'm not packing them in my bag and toting them around for daily survival.
I am making room for 'new' and for what fits this season.
I am letting the old me go .. and working on the new me.
Even though I am already a Certified Instructor for Soul Restoration / Melody Ross's curriculum .. I am going thru it all again from the very beginning .. so that when we launch this summer I am more open and immersed in the material than I ever have been. .
Slowly but surely I'm getting there. . . In the first level alone there are 60 modules .. I'm halfway thru .. and purposefully moving at a snail's pace so that I absorb all I can.
It's interesting how you can reenter the same curriculum and LEARN something new each and every time .. I am grateful to be able to learn better and be smarter.
There will be some hard learning curves up ahead.
But I am ready for this season. . . and humble and grateful for it all. . every bit of hard and light.
I want to hug that girl above - she was amazing and so incredible .. and I'm grateful for her gratitude, perserverance and surrender .. for she has grown up now. She is someone I used to know. . and I'm all the better for it.
Debbie and I will be saving a seat for you all very soon .. I can't wait.
To get back to what we love and share time together doing the things that can shift perspectives .. and our days. Much love for it ALL and YOU.