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  • Debbie McFarland

That sweet, little girl.

There I am. The little girl in pigtails sporting the Flashdance look way before the movie was even a thought. In my happy place, at the beach, I am smiling. Did that little girl know the tears she would cry? The loneliness and emptiness she would encounter? That sweet little girl...she had no idea that the first 40 years of her life would be a web of mixed emotions, feeling insecure and unloved, even when her mother held her and whispered "I love you". She looks so happy, yet would be fearful to walk into a room, thinking that everybody there was judging her. She thought she didn't fit in, said things that people might laugh at, was ugly and awkward and it didn't matter what loved ones told her. The lies in her head were louder than the words spoken to her. I wish I could go back to that sweet, little pumpkin and tell her how precious she was and to not waste another single moment thinking that she should be "something else", "someone else". I would hold her tight, rock her and tell her that she was perfect just the way she was created and not to worry about what others thought of her. I would hold her by the shoulders, look into her sweet blue eyes and tell her that she was God's beautiful masterpiece, His daughter, and nothing else mattered. I would tell her to hold her head up high and be strong. Maybe then, things would've been different and she would've been able to be secure at school, knowing that she was worthy of friends. Maybe then, those cruel words sputtered by strangers or "loved" ones would not have made her crumble, falling to her knees, begging for a different life or the end to this life. Maybe the hateful words would have rolled right off her back, like the drops of water rolling off the duck. Maybe she would have been able to love others more fully instead of desperately searching for love from people who couldn't give it. Maybe then, she would not have made the relationship choices she did, causing years of further insecurity and turmoil. Maybe then, she wouldn't have believed she wasn't worthy of love or food or a normal, happy family life. Maybe it wouldn't have taken 40 years to realize she was incredible. Absolutely incredible.

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